Why you gotta be so mean?

I never thought bullying could occur in college. I remember dealing with that in seventh grade, one of the things most people can't avoid in their middle school years. But never in the world did I think I would ever have to face this thing in college. I thought it was something that only middle school kids love doing; like an eary-teen stage that everyone outgrows with time.
Boy, was I ever wrong.

I honestly have no idea what caused these two girls in my college to hate me. Well, I can guess. The one girl likes English and thought that knowing the word 'clouds' would automatically make her the best English speaker in this entire school. Not trying to be harsh here, but even many Americans' assumption that they are proficient in English has failed upon meeting me, and now we are talking about a Russian village girl. I never intended to show my English off, but that kind of just happened. The girl took immediate dislike of me. And the other one, well, is the typical 'I am so amazing' type. You know, the shortest skirt in the world, the highest heels imaginable, a ton of make up type. And she probably thinks I look ridiculous in my non-revealing clothing and simple make up. Whatever the reason, they've been unbearable.
These sickening laughs. Their loud voices. Their constant sickening swearing. Their habit of referring to me as 'it'. These constant 'Look at that' that have to be accompanied by the aforementioned sickening laughter. And so much more.

I hate to admit, I've hated that.
The thing is, it doesn't really insult me as a person. I mean, I know who I am in and to Jesus. I know that these ways of trying to belittle me do not say anything about who I am, but very well expose the ugliness of their own souls (which could go away in less than a minute!), but what has been hurt is my pride.
Which really needs to be humbled anyway.
I also hate to admit, I've done plenty of disgusting things in my mind, too. I've called them both plastic heartless dolls. While they might be acting like ones, it does not give me a right, as a person and a Christ follower, to lower myself to the level of name calling.
It just doesn't work that way.
I've struggled to pray for them. It just doesn't come naturally, but it's been such a great relief. I've not seen any results yet, but I know the Spirit is at work.

What I've been thinking about, though, is how greatly God actually wants to use this situation. These two girls, hardened as they are, need God a lot more than they can imagine. I doubt they have anyone else who can lift them up in prayer, and proclaim God's promises into their lives. While I can be very discouraged by how they act toward me, I can also serve them like Jesus serves me every day. They will probably never know, but God who searches my heart will. I am also somebody who needs a lot of edification. There's some major humbling I need to go through, but there is so much more than that. I've always been amazed at how Jesus, looking at a sinner, does not see the disgusting things the person has done. Instead, he sees a child of God that is precious to him. I am amazed at how Jesus sees a person apart from their sins. Yes, he never approves of anyone's sins, but neither does He condemn. And if the Holy Son of God does not condemn anybody, then who are we to do it? It humbles and encourages me to ponder that time when an adulteress was brought to him and he simply said, 'Let the one who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her'. I was the person deserving to be stoned to death for my transgressions, so how am I different from others? I can admit, I can somehow manage to look at somebody with compassion and not judge them for their sins, unless their sin is aimed directly at me or people I love. But this kind of 'love' is so fake. It completely contradicts the teachings of Jesus, who told us to love both the righteous and the unrighteous alike.   
But I say, love your enemies!^[s] Pray for those who persecute you! ⁴⁵ In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. ⁴⁶ If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. ⁴⁷ If you are kind only to your friends,^[t] how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. ⁴⁸ But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect. Matthew 5:44-48 (NLT)
This is simply not my job to judge anyone, my job is to love them. When I think about Jesus quietly enduring the beatings, the mocking, the spitting in His face, it humbles me to think that He was tempted to judge those who did that to him just as I am tempted. But instead, He chose to love them and pray for them, saying, 'They do not know what they are doing...'. Now how hard is it to endure being picked on by a bunch of college girls compared to what Jesus went through? Suddenly, it seems like nothing.

Suffering on Earth is temporary. It gives me great joy to think that God's power is made perfect in weakness, and He can use any situation to build me up and save His lost sheep. But the glory of forever being in blissful fellowship with your Maker in Heaven is eternal.

My Dear Father in Heaven, I pray that my heart would break for what breaks your heart. I pray that I would learn to see your Image in every person you create, no matter how they act. I was once there myself, but you brought me out into the light and set my feet on your Rock. I praise you for delivering me from the pit of sin. Help me to not want to come back to that life of sin by judging and condemning others! Help me to see these people through your eyes, help me to see them the way you see them - loved and precious. Help me to be the light and the salt by simply loving people, whoever they are.

Just a Quick Update

So, just in case anyone is wondering - I am delighted to tell you that the rumors are indeed true! I am going to Nicaragua on a mission trip this summer. I am going short-term (well, relatively short) first to see if I could commit to longer. I am also going with a group of 12 wonderful people who are such a blessing to my life. What we will mostly be doing is working for the 24/7 intercession/worship movement to spread and burn in the country and just loving on people, spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ (to Whom be all the glory) to those who need Him the most.
And yes, I definitely am THAT crazy.

Of course, none of it is completely certain yet. We never know what is ACTUALLY going to happen. There are often so many unexpected twists and turns and since we have no idea what the actual Big Picture is all about, all we can really do is pray, be still, and know He is God. I am not obsessing over it, and I know that whatever the outcome may be, my job is not to fret but glorify Him. I have no clue what the future holds, but I am very blessed to be assured WHO holds the future.

With all this in mind, I would really appreciate some prayers. Please pray for that:

1. That I would actually be still and know He is God. That I would just live in the present moment and do all I can to be grateful to Him for what I have NOW. That I would not worry too much about what is going to or not going to take place in the future and just enjoy my life here and now, squeezing as much as I can out of every opportunity.
2. That I would manage to raise more money for the trip. I do have a sufficient amount for all my traveling (including the visa or the permit to say, my plane tickets, and stuff like that), and to cover living expenses for several months as well as help the ministry somewhat, but... well, there is such thing as emergencies and simply that 'there is never too much money'. I have a part time job at the moment (well, I guess you can't call that exactly a job, but still) and am applying for a grant for former exchange students soon so these are probably some good opportunities. Please pray I stay faithful to the Lord with my money by gving and tithing and that I just commit everything I have to him.
3. This is probably the most important point. Please pray that no matter what holds the future and no matter how many more opportunities come along, I seek the Lord's face above all else. Please pray that whether I am in the middle of the driest season of my faith or gleaming with excitement and enthusiam I continue to seek God. That I remember He is always there and remains who He is no matter where in life I am. That I would just delight in His promises and long to hear His voice over the voice of my own desires.
I think this list could go on and on, but you get the point. Please pray. It is very needed at this point!!!

I hope everyone is fine.

So I'll shout out your name, from the rooftops I'll proclaim...

(Hey! I have a question - who is it from Germany who reads my blog? Not that I have anything against that, not really, I'm rather privileged, it's just that the link is only known by a VERY limited number of people from the US and it's kind of unlikely you just accidently came across me somewhere on the web. :) Once again, no worries, I'm just really curious who that might be and if we actually know each other)

Anyway... today, as I was trying to clean a huge mess of my old school notebooks and binders, I came across a journal I used to keep way back. Well, I suppose you can't call that a journal... It's more like a notebook with like 5 entires that were made far in between each other, but that's not the point. I usually don't like dwelling on the past by reading stuff like that, but this time something caught my attention, and for a good reason.
Those were the very first things about God I ever wrote. I was raised very agnostic (or probably God-hating if you will) but I always wondered if there was something more than the life we see - school, then college, then work, your own family, then at some point, death. I wondered if there was anything more than meets the eye. I couldn't understand why all the worry, if we would end up buried in the end.. Okay, that is probably going into too much detail, but you get the point. I was... wondering.
At some point, I stopped doubting there was something Greater than I am. I remember having dreams of God at night but it was difficult to believe in a loving God... because at some point, I stopped believing in love.
I remember how some guy preached the Gospel to me when I was about 8 or 9. It would be fun to find out who it was, because it was most likely somebody from the church I now attend. I remember reading the sinner's prayer for the first time, without much understanding, just clinging to the simple words that God loves me. This phrase, especially mixed with that stranger's words that God was my Father, were nothing short of astounding to my love-starved child soul.
I remember taking the New Testament home, the little blue book that my church is piled with. I remember trying to read it and giving up on 'that stuff' because words made no sense to me, until I was born again.  My mom threw the book away holding it at arm's length a few years ago (you get the picture of how love-starved she is. But I am happy to report, things are shifting!!).
From that point on, however, somewhere deep inside I knew there was God. I had no idea who He is and all the more how to even approach Him, but I knew He was there. At times I would hear something like whispers in the quiet, saying 'I love you! I love you!' but you have no idea how easily I shrugged them off, thinking I was crazy (years after that, when I was already a Christ follower, I got the confirmation that I indeed am crazy, but that's okay I guess :) ). More importantly, I knew there WAS God.
Even when I shouted in one of my fits of rage that he hated me.
Even when I thought about, or attempted, suicide or when I was self harming.
Even when I was hating and cursing people left and right, and got the same in return. I knew there was God.
The reason why I am even typing all this is that so often, I completely forget how hard I struggled. How long it took me to actually resond to my Savior's voice that was dripping with love. When I slowly started to respond, it felt like something inside me was melting. Such a... weird feeling. Like there was a huge pile of frozen wax on the inside of me that was starting to melt after being exposed to the ultimate source of light and warmth - Jesus and His ever-loving heart.
Of course I had (and still do) my weaker moments, even after I accepted Jesus as my Savior. But he has set me free from so much. It's true that he who has been forgiven much, loves much.
The words in that old journal of mine that really caught my attention were 'I don't even feel like a human being. I feel like a huge bleeding mess on the inside. I am compelled to live a life of duplicity - I appear normal on the outside, but on the inside there is just nothing but brokenness. Everything is broken. I can't control myself. I scream and scream things I don't believe, things I don't want to believe... will there ever be any way out of this?'
There was.
(This is what it's like to be demon-possessed, just in case you ever wondered.)
I remember how precious every thought about God once became to me, I remember how I prayed for hours on end every night, as quiet as I could, because my mom thought it was nonsense. I remember skipping geometry (and a couple other classes too, I admit) in order to go to church and just be in His presence, crying tears of sudden and unknown happiness and then letting him dry those tears with gladness unspoken.

I am sure God wanted me to see this for a reason. It is so easy to get caught up in the moment and just go on because you 'have to'. Our prayers become mechanical so often. It's so good to just go back to the past sometimes and remember that very first, purest love. We as Christians often pray for the 'revival' to come, but too often we fail to realize that it doesn't take a crusade to start one. It starts with you. When your soul, your heart, your mind and your strength are REVIVED to love the Lord your God!

These are two songs that mean the world to me (the first one even gave the name to my blog). These describe and express what God has done and is still doing in my life so well. I can never be not in tears while listening to them. It's such a joy to just worship my Maker with all I've got, holding nothing back!

And actually, I didn't mean for this to turn into a whole testimony... ha ha. I just wanted to say how much I long to return to that first love. :)
You can't even imagine how much of a JOY that is to shout out Jesus' name, completely blasted by the Holy Spirit, instead of shouting how much he 'hates' me!!!

[warning] Long and boring post

So as this year goes on, I continue to think and think about where I should go next. Even though I am a relatively quiet and calm person (unless you know me really well, this is where things get interesting), I have always been a little crazy when it comes to things such as your calling, or your way, or where God wants you to go. A couple weeks ago I found out I had been accepted into a ministry school in the United States, which I've been dreaming about for years, and right now I am in the midst of craziness that assists the visa preparing process. But as the initial excitement level slowly begins to drop and the general mundanness of all this starts to fill my mind, I feel like I am coming back to the questions that's been on my heart and on my lips for as long as I can remember - Why? Why this particular school, at this particular time? And more importantly - is this truly where the Lord wants me to go?
In my walk with Jesus I learned that God often has a loving reason to say no to some of our requests. Whether He gives us unthinkably more than all we ask or imagine or if He gives us so much less than what we want, it's important to remember that whatever comes from His hand is already a blessing. I've learned that often, God needs to close all ministry or education opportunities right in front of our faces so that we can finally actually turn to Him and stop striving, forgetting the fact that He IS pleased with us and we don't need to earn his love or his approval. Remember the story about Mary and Martha? It always fascinates me how even though Martha went out of her way to please the Lord, He still said that is was Mary who chose the better thing to do. I think it's so beautiful that it wasn't about Jesus liking Mary better, it was about how heartbroken he was about being robbed of Martha's presence. What he really craves is intimacy, not your service. If your service is an expression of genuine love, it's beautiful, but nothing but your voluntary affection and fellowship will ever be more important to him. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that very often, this is what God does, but sometimes, he chooses to open so many doors to us instead of locking them, so that we could choose what truly is the better portion. Because truly, we are often faced with so many choices and we are actually what we choose, and if we choose God, this is how we show that we truly are His.
Long before today I was already shown that I am called to a life of intercession and fasting. My deepest heart's desire is to live the radical sermon on the mounth lifestyle at all times, even in my weakness, to dig as deep into God's Word as I can, and just live a very radical life for Jesus, letting the fire of His love consume everything about me, every aspect of my life. I believe in living for eternity, I believe in the burning passion for God's heart and I believe that we are the generation that will be more consumed by his love than any one ever, ever, ever before in human history. I want to live my life through the lens of the First Commandment to the highest degree possible. I refuse to be half-hearted about God and my relationship with him. I love that verse in the Song of Solomon that says that love is as demanding as the grave. Likewise, if you truly do love God, you start looking for the bridges to burn, for things that keep you away from him, you abandon everything that hinders love, 'take up your cross and deny yourself'. Relatively recently, I started asking him what in my love keeps me away from him and gradually started getting rid of those things. God has shown me that many times, while in prayer or in the Word, I can be very half-hearted and let my mind wander somewhere else, instead of loving him with all I've got in the moment and letting him love me. At the same time I can be very whole-hearted and focused during a facebook chat (not trying to say I don't like chatting with my friends). Anyway. I know for sure that this is truly the point where I need to be trained as an intercessor/minister. And I thought that the school I am (so far) going to is the perfect setting for that. But lately I've been thinking, that maybe, just maybe, here, in the middle of Russian nowhere, is truly where the fire can be stirred without being stilled ever again. Maybe I need to be trained here, in this wilderness, with no one to really care for me, with the Holy Spirit as my only teacher? Isn't it funny how you pay a certain amount of thousands of dollars to a Bible teacher to train you, while the Holy Spirit will do it for love only? I am just starting to realize how truly amazing that would be to be here, in the middle of nowhere, where it's just God and me, where this fire starts to really burn and consume me as I am. The school where I applied is located in a huge and beautiful city with many temptations as well as opportunities. I am not saying I am afraid to be tempted, but I know that there will be far too many things distracting me from the reason why I actually want to go to ministry school. I know that all these things - new people, sights, fun places to go to, parties, and stuff like that, are great and are actually gifts from God. But there is time you are to set apart for the LORD and there is time for all these things (and woe to me if the latter outweighs the former in my life!).
So here I am, extremely confused, seeking the Lord's counsel. I kind of suspect nobody will read such a long and boring post, but I needed to let that out. I will definitely keep talking to my Heavenly Daddy about that. At least now, if I do not end up getting a visa, I will know why. :) And you know what? It's not what my world revolves around. It's God. I have eyes for only Him.

Probably the best sermon/article I ever read or heard!

I really love Misty Edwards, as an amazing sister in Christ and a wonderful woman of God. There are countless times God served me in miraculous ways through her music or teaching. I just came across this awesome article written by her and I thought I'd share it, so I don't lose it.

'What is the point?!” That is a question I found myself asking many times throughout my life. “Why do I exist? What is the reason for this thing called creation?” I would often relate to the writer of Ecclesiastes when he wrote of life under the sun being a vanity and a grasping for the wind (Ecc. 2:11.) I would sit and imagine all of the great things that I could accomplish with my life, the impact that I could make or the pleasure I could attain. I would stretch my imagination to the fullest and then at the end of the daydream all I could think is, “After all that I die…I die”. No matter how great I could imagine myself the end of the matter was the same. Everybody dies.

Growing up in a Christian home I gave my heart to the Lord when I was very young so I believed I was going to Heaven but my agony wasn’t a matter of where I was going but why I was here. I knew there had to be a reason for this moment in time and that reason had to be found beyond the grave. The brevity of life was ever on my mind and the only way to make sense of it was to discover the link it has to the next. The continuity of life and the things that build that bridge would give me absolute purpose and an unshakeable “reason” to exist.

Eternity is written on the hearts of all men. (Ecc. 3:11) Some try to deny this internal knowing but it is there none the less. I heard a program on the radio days ago and the topic was the fear of death. People were talking about how overwhelming of a fear it is. Some said that would wake up in the night in a cold sweat in a panic that they were dying. Others said the thought of death drove them to substance abuse or depression. We often live with deep feelings of the frailty of life and we are unsettled on how quickly it is passing. I can remember sitting and thinking of “forever”, trying to grasp eternity even as a child. It is written on our hearts. This is an inescapable heart cry of every culture and every human because God put it in our hearts like a magnate that would pull us to Him

Jesus said, “This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” (Jn. 17:3) He is not only talking about the introductions to faith. Eternal life is not only quantity but quality. He says, “That which remains is the knowledge of Me.” The knowledge of God is the lifeline to eternity. Knowing Him is the thing that crosses over and therefore defines my ultimate reality. I had to encounter this God. I had to know Him! I had to have more than rhetoric and language, more than empty theology or vain philosophy. I wanted to know the Uncreated and to understand this One who inhabits eternity. I love truth more than anything in life and understanding God was the key to understanding the truth about me. To know what He was thinking and feeling became my sole passion. I wanted to know more than just the ‘what’ of His creation, I had to know the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’. Why did God create? Why the free will? Why did He put us in a garden with a choice and a chance to say no to Him? Why an enemy? Why the struggle for righteousness? Why the pressure? The pain? The pleasure? Why? I had to get to the heart of the matter to discover the reason for my existence.

God is the Creator. He could have created in any way He wanted because He is the author life. This whole thing was His idea. He is the one who is orchestrating human history. Sometimes we think that God was like a mad scientist up in Heaven when all of a sudden He mixed a few chemicals that caused an explosion and “Poof! Creation!”, as if God didn’t think it through but just ‘managed’ His mistake afterwards. We approach God as though He were cleaning up a mess by sending us Jesus as if it wasn’t His plan all along. Surely God is not that aimless. He had a dream, He had a vision, a goal, an aim. He thought this thing through and there was something He was after.

When we answer the question to what God is looking for we find the answer to what we are looking for. There is no other source of satisfaction because He is the Creator of our desires and they are given to us to draw us to Him. Life will never make sense until we get the bigger picture of a God who was searching for something. We are only satisfied in satisfying Him. We were created to answer the longing in God’s heart but what is He longing for? Nothing is hidden from Him so what is He looking for? He possesses all things so what does He want?

The Lord has given us the “transcript of His soul” to let us in on the deep things of His heart. In His Word He tells us the ‘why’ behind the’ what’. From Genesis to Revelation we see the golden thread of what God is looking for. He has laid His heart bare, opened it wide for all to see and over and over He would say, “I’m after your heart. Love Me! Love Me!” He said “It is not to mysterious or hard to figure out. Love Me!” (Deut. 30:11-16) He is looking for hearts that are loyal to Him (2 Chron. 16:9). He is searching for hearts who are after Him. (1 Sam. 13:14.) He is searching for worshippers who love Him (Jn 4:23-24). Jesus give us a whisper of what the Father is looking to find for the Son in Matt 22 when He says, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a Father preparing a wedding for the Son.” It all comes down to love because God is Love. The Father will have a family and the Son will have a bride. We are a part of something so much bigger than meets the eye.

The whole process of human history is producing a story of love so vast and astonishing that it will sustain us for eternity. We will hear this story told and be awestruck as we look back on the history of humanity and see how the hand of the Potter knew the right amount of pressure, fire, gentleness and fierceness that was needed to produce sustained love in a multitude of people for billions of years. There will be a multitude who He gave a free will, that would chose to love Him for all of eternity as they remembered the love story of this age. The Holy Spirit will put the First Commandment in the hearts of men and women and the plan will not fail. God is not a mad scientist who made a mistake. He is a Father preparing a wedding for the Son and the Son will give the Father a family. We are the object of their affection, their prize possession, the very inheritance of God! This is the hope of our calling. O that we could grasp what it means to be the inheritance of God! But what do you give a God who has everything? The only thing He doesn’t have, our voluntary love. That is the gift we have to give Him.

As these truths began to find their way into my understanding I set my heart to pursue a life lived for love. The problem was, I didn’t know what love was! I thought of love as an emotional bliss, poetry, romance or even a passive personality and charity. I wanted to do something radical, something extreme, to change the world and leave my mark on this planet. Desire for impact pulsed in me like a time bomb. “Live for love?!” Could this really be the answer to my dilemma on the purpose of life? “Love?” It sounded good on paper and made for a good song or two but when it came to the mundaneness of my daily life I couldn’t grasp it.

What is love? Love is more than romantic notions or even a passive toleration and a few good deeds. Jesus isn’t your boyfriend nor is He a humanistic hippie. His Name is Jealous Jealousy (Ex 34:14). Our God is an all consuming Fire who wants to takes over. (Duet 4:24) Song of Solomon says it like this, “Set me as a seal upon your heart, As a seal upon your arm; For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame.” (Sos. 8:6) Love is not passive but it is passionate burning desire.

We must love the Way He loves if we are going to become His heart’s desire. In the gospels you hear the voice of the Bridegroom beckoning us into abandonment, “Take up your cross and follow Me. Leave it all behind and come after me. Say goodbye to houses and lands for my sake and follow Me.” This is the voice of a Bridegroom who gave all for the sake of love (Eph 5:29-32). Jesus Himself defined love like this “Greater love has no one than this, that to lay down one’s life for his friends” (Jn. 15:13) He loves us with all of His heart, soul, mind and strength and what He wants is a people yoked to Him in this kind of love. We are equally yoked to this shoreless ocean of Love not by the size of our love but by the all of our love. Though our all is small the point is all. He wants to be loved the way He loves, completely given in abandonment.

Loving God is not a onetime prayer that brings assurance of salvation. He wants us to become mature and He would further define love when He said, “If you love Me, keep My commandments”(Jn. 15:14; 14:15; 21; 23) To love Him is loyalty to the Truth and it involves an active pursuit of righteousness from the inside out. The Sermon on the Mount is one of the primary guides to the fullness of love. These three chapters are severely overlooked and misunderstood in the body of Christ. In them the Lord laid out the clearest path to love and yet so few apply it. I dare you to read the Sermon on the Mount every day and actually try to live it for an entire year and see the effect it has on your heart. The more we pursue this lifestyle of Love the more we see our weakness and the more we hunger, thirst and mourn. The very reaching for mature love produces the attitudes in our heart that catch His eye. We must reach to give Him what He is looking for from our heart, soul and mind. These are primarily internal realities that overflow externally. He isn’t mostly asking for your money, your talent or your ministry plan, He is asking for your heart! You could be one of the greatest men or women in history regardless of your social status or your life circumstance. These are not the things that define a man but the things that define a man are the issues of his heart.

What is going on behind your face? That is where so much of life takes place. There is a world on the inside of you as vast as the world on the out and this is where His eyes fall. He peers straight through your exterior right into your core reality and evaluates you according to your heart. (1 Cor. 3:12) There is a war on the inside and it is the arena to demonstrate love. Without a free will there is no love. Every time we say no to our flesh we are stoking a fire, every time we turn the other cheek, pray for our enemies or fast and pray in secret we are stoking an internal fire that will eventually consume us. Living before His eyes, knowing that He sees the movements of our hearts, is the most powerful and exhilarating way to live. You can’t touch a man or a woman who lives in the power of this Love. They are people the world is not worthy of. You can put them in prison, beat them, spit on them and ridicule them but they are untouchable, unmovable, rooted and grounded in love. (Phil. 3:17)

In Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus sums up the entire word of God and says it all comes down to love. He say, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” (Matt. 22:37-40)

Impact God and you will impact men. The energy starts inward and becomes an inferno of love. A man or a woman on fire will change the world and won’t end up burnt out in the end. The First Commandment always leads to the Second. Every light that shines is a light that burns. When you are on fire in love For God many will rejoice in that light and come into the fellowship of the flame.

There is a reason behind Creation and a Holy Heart who dreamt up this dream. We aren’t just vainly spinning on this ball called earth. It wasn’t an accident that we are here because there is something bigger going on. This is the “womb of eternity” and we have barely begun. These years are crucial as we are being formed into the image of Love. God is Love, looking for love therefore He fashioned and formed us in His image and we are created to love Him and be love by Him. We each have a strategic path of pressure and blessing that is working in us an “eternal weight of glory”. (2 Cor. 4:17) It is not in vain! In a moment, we will stand before the Author of our lives and we will see the wisdom of loving Him. If you don’t quit you win!

I look back on the wrestling of my youth and the longing to know “What is the point?!” and I see the hand of God. I still have that feeling of the brevity of life but instead of being oppressed by it I am liberated. I know where I am going and I know why I am here. I was created by His will and For His pleasure…for His pleasure, this is why I exist. Every moment counts because He sees my heart. I want to be able to stand before Him and say, “I did it! Here’s my heart on fire with passion for Your name. I didn’t quit! Even in my weakness, I didn’t give into shame or condemnation! In my disappointment I didn’t give into bitterness or cynicism. Though you seemed hidden, I didn’t give into unbelief or offense. I stayed faithful through the dark night of faith. Here is Your inheritance, Your reward, the gift of my love.”

Everybody dies, no way around it but there is a “why” behind the “what” of this life. The more than meets the eye is our hope and our future. Without hope we are in despair but as those who know the end of the story let us run the race with endurance, on fire with love, as burning and shining lamps. This wisdom will be justified. There is more than “life under the sun” and we have a lifeline to life above it.

It is not in vain!

For more stuff by and about Misty, check out her website!

My Bucket List

A couple months ago, someone challenged me to write a bucket list (a list of things I'd like to do before I die). I think that most of us actually have somewhat of a list like that unwritten, but kept in our heads, so I thought I might as well record some of these things so I can look back on that from time to time to see what I have accomplished so far. :) So, here it goes!

Things to Learn

1. Be fluent in at least 5 languages
2. Become an expert on some country's culture and traditions
3. Become an expert on some event and person in history
4. Read at least 50 books every year of my life
5. Get my bachelor's
6. Get my master's
7. Learn how to ballroom dance
8. Learn some pottery
9. Learn how to pain with oil on canvas
10. Learn how to pain with watercolors
11. Learn to play the guitar


Places to Visit

12. Go to Israel and especially, Jerusalem
13. Go to Norway
14. Go to Sweden
15. Go on a cruise of some kind
16. Live in Kansas City for at least a year
17. Visit Azusa Street
18. Go to as many states in the US as I can
19. Go to Australia
20. See Northern lights
21. Go to Grand Canyon
22. Go to Yellowstone

Ministry Goals & Impacts to Make

23. Become a pastor
24. Write at least one book
25. Be involved in a house of prayer as a prophetic worship leader for at least a year
26. Be involved in a house of prayer as a full-time intercessory missionary for at least a year
27. Adopt at least one child
28. Go on a short term mission trip
29. Go on a long term mission trip
30. Memorize Psalm 27
31. Memorize the Sermon on the Mount
32. Be known for a life of intercession and fasting when I die
33. Plant at least one church at one of the darkest places on Earth
34. Read through the whole Bible at least 50 times
35. See my husband baptize all our children
36. Serve the Lord with my entire family
37. See my mom give her life to Jesus
38. Be invited to speak at at least one Christian conference
39. Participate in a Christian crusade (perhaps my own one?!)

Things to Create

40. Create my own home library with an amazing variety of books, especially Christian ones
41. Have my own art in my house where I will live with my family
42. Write my own worship songs and sing them at a house of prayer
43. Design my own clothing (even if I am the only one to ever wear that)
44. Write a song/poem to the Lord every day for at least a year
45. Have a whole library with my own sermons/revelations handwritten by me
46. Design my daughter's prom dress
47. Build a treehouse with my husband and children

Crazy Things to Try

48. Sail
49. Go underwater
50. Sky dive
51. Go ice fishing
52. Climb a mountain top
53. Go surfing in Australia
54. Go snowboarding
56. Street evangelize in some dangerous place
57. Go ice skating (learn to do it first)
58. Go swimming with dolphins in Florida
59. Go on a zip line
60. Spend a night on the roof with one of my closest friends, drinking hot chocolate, taking pictures and talking

Some Other Goals

61. Go on an evangelizing tour, showing Christian plays and singing Christian music
62. Be invited to speak at Lifest someday
63. Learn how to cook and bake

Well, that sure isn't everything, but that was everything I could think of for now! <3, Lily

Yesterday's gone

I never thought I'd walk away with so much joy, but so much pain...

Today, as I celebrated Thanksgiving, I couldn't help but feel some bitterness in this otherwise glorious holiday. I spent this beautiful fall day with my former classmates at the gymnasia - the school I dearly love, the place that will always be precious to my heart. Celebrating Thanksgiving has been a tradition for our class for almost five years now. Even when someone simply says Thanksgiving, the word brings back so many memories I will savor forever: watching old American movies together, preparing and enjoying wonderful American food, passing the candle and telling God and each other what we're thankful for, the smiles, the laughs, sometimes the tears. I left this class over a year ago now and if I am one hundred percent honest, there isn't much that connects me with any of them now. But those memories will live in my heart forever and I will always be thankful to our wonderful God for giving me this amazing privilege and blessing of knowing those people once. They all have an amazingly bright future waiting for them outside of high school and I am so excited to see what God does in their lives next.
It was a little bit painful to see these smiling faces and realize I don't belong with these people anymore. I still struggle to realize this is not my place in this life anymore and I am not one of these people. However, what a wonderful promise we have, knowing that 'in all things, God works good for those who love him'! (Romans 8:28). It is such a blessing to finally realize that our God is a God who gives and takes away and does both these things for a reason. It is so wonderful to be free, knowing that nothing that I own and nothing that I can do actually belongs to me. It is all God's, who deserves all glory. I am so humbled and blessed to know that while I can't see or touch it, I am completely assured He is working within me, doing something marvelous with my life, giving or taking away to humble me. I am so thankful that he is teaching me to be faithful with the little I have, preparing to give me something great. And I am so grateful to know that His plans for my life are so much bigger than mine and that his idea of a 'bright future' is a lot different from mine.
As I look back on some heart-warming things and look forward to some more, I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am blessed beyond measure, in the middle of what might seem like a chaous. Turn to God. He is so generous and you are so loved!