So as this year goes on, I continue to think and think about where I should go next. Even though I am a relatively quiet and calm person (unless you know me really well, this is where things get interesting), I have always been a little crazy when it comes to things such as your calling, or your way, or where God wants you to go. A couple weeks ago I found out I had been accepted into a ministry school in the United States, which I've been dreaming about for years, and right now I am in the midst of craziness that assists the visa preparing process. But as the initial excitement level slowly begins to drop and the general mundanness of all this starts to fill my mind, I feel like I am coming back to the questions that's been on my heart and on my lips for as long as I can remember - Why? Why this particular school, at this particular time? And more importantly - is this truly where the Lord wants me to go?
In my walk with Jesus I learned that God often has a loving reason to say no to some of our requests. Whether He gives us unthinkably more than all we ask or imagine or if He gives us so much less than what we want, it's important to remember that whatever comes from His hand is already a blessing. I've learned that often, God needs to close all ministry or education opportunities right in front of our faces so that we can finally actually turn to Him and stop striving, forgetting the fact that He IS pleased with us and we don't need to earn his love or his approval. Remember the story about Mary and Martha? It always fascinates me how even though Martha went out of her way to please the Lord, He still said that is was Mary who chose the better thing to do. I think it's so beautiful that it wasn't about Jesus liking Mary better, it was about how heartbroken he was about being robbed of Martha's presence. What he really craves is intimacy, not your service. If your service is an expression of genuine love, it's beautiful, but nothing but your voluntary affection and fellowship will ever be more important to him. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that very often, this is what God does, but sometimes, he chooses to open so many doors to us instead of locking them, so that we could choose what truly is the better portion. Because truly, we are often faced with so many choices and we are actually what we choose, and if we choose God, this is how we show that we truly are His.
Long before today I was already shown that I am called to a life of intercession and fasting. My deepest heart's desire is to live the radical sermon on the mounth lifestyle at all times, even in my weakness, to dig as deep into God's Word as I can, and just live a very radical life for Jesus, letting the fire of His love consume everything about me, every aspect of my life. I believe in living for eternity, I believe in the burning passion for God's heart and I believe that we are the generation that will be more consumed by his love than any one ever, ever, ever before in human history. I want to live my life through the lens of the First Commandment to the highest degree possible. I refuse to be half-hearted about God and my relationship with him. I love that verse in the Song of Solomon that says that love is as demanding as the grave. Likewise, if you truly do love God, you start looking for the bridges to burn, for things that keep you away from him, you abandon everything that hinders love, 'take up your cross and deny yourself'. Relatively recently, I started asking him what in my love keeps me away from him and gradually started getting rid of those things. God has shown me that many times, while in prayer or in the Word, I can be very half-hearted and let my mind wander somewhere else, instead of loving him with all I've got in the moment and letting him love me. At the same time I can be very whole-hearted and focused during a facebook chat (not trying to say I don't like chatting with my friends). Anyway. I know for sure that this is truly the point where I need to be trained as an intercessor/minister. And I thought that the school I am (so far) going to is the perfect setting for that. But lately I've been thinking, that maybe, just maybe, here, in the middle of Russian nowhere, is truly where the fire can be stirred without being stilled ever again. Maybe I need to be trained here, in this wilderness, with no one to really care for me, with the Holy Spirit as my only teacher? Isn't it funny how you pay a certain amount of thousands of dollars to a Bible teacher to train you, while the Holy Spirit will do it for love only? I am just starting to realize how truly amazing that would be to be here, in the middle of nowhere, where it's just God and me, where this fire starts to really burn and consume me as I am. The school where I applied is located in a huge and beautiful city with many temptations as well as opportunities. I am not saying I am afraid to be tempted, but I know that there will be far too many things distracting me from the reason why I actually want to go to ministry school. I know that all these things - new people, sights, fun places to go to, parties, and stuff like that, are great and are actually gifts from God. But there is time you are to set apart for the LORD and there is time for all these things (and woe to me if the latter outweighs the former in my life!).
So here I am, extremely confused, seeking the Lord's counsel. I kind of suspect nobody will read such a long and boring post, but I needed to let that out. I will definitely keep talking to my Heavenly Daddy about that. At least now, if I do not end up getting a visa, I will know why. :) And you know what? It's not what my world revolves around. It's God. I have eyes for only Him.
In my walk with Jesus I learned that God often has a loving reason to say no to some of our requests. Whether He gives us unthinkably more than all we ask or imagine or if He gives us so much less than what we want, it's important to remember that whatever comes from His hand is already a blessing. I've learned that often, God needs to close all ministry or education opportunities right in front of our faces so that we can finally actually turn to Him and stop striving, forgetting the fact that He IS pleased with us and we don't need to earn his love or his approval. Remember the story about Mary and Martha? It always fascinates me how even though Martha went out of her way to please the Lord, He still said that is was Mary who chose the better thing to do. I think it's so beautiful that it wasn't about Jesus liking Mary better, it was about how heartbroken he was about being robbed of Martha's presence. What he really craves is intimacy, not your service. If your service is an expression of genuine love, it's beautiful, but nothing but your voluntary affection and fellowship will ever be more important to him. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that very often, this is what God does, but sometimes, he chooses to open so many doors to us instead of locking them, so that we could choose what truly is the better portion. Because truly, we are often faced with so many choices and we are actually what we choose, and if we choose God, this is how we show that we truly are His.
Long before today I was already shown that I am called to a life of intercession and fasting. My deepest heart's desire is to live the radical sermon on the mounth lifestyle at all times, even in my weakness, to dig as deep into God's Word as I can, and just live a very radical life for Jesus, letting the fire of His love consume everything about me, every aspect of my life. I believe in living for eternity, I believe in the burning passion for God's heart and I believe that we are the generation that will be more consumed by his love than any one ever, ever, ever before in human history. I want to live my life through the lens of the First Commandment to the highest degree possible. I refuse to be half-hearted about God and my relationship with him. I love that verse in the Song of Solomon that says that love is as demanding as the grave. Likewise, if you truly do love God, you start looking for the bridges to burn, for things that keep you away from him, you abandon everything that hinders love, 'take up your cross and deny yourself'. Relatively recently, I started asking him what in my love keeps me away from him and gradually started getting rid of those things. God has shown me that many times, while in prayer or in the Word, I can be very half-hearted and let my mind wander somewhere else, instead of loving him with all I've got in the moment and letting him love me. At the same time I can be very whole-hearted and focused during a facebook chat (not trying to say I don't like chatting with my friends). Anyway. I know for sure that this is truly the point where I need to be trained as an intercessor/minister. And I thought that the school I am (so far) going to is the perfect setting for that. But lately I've been thinking, that maybe, just maybe, here, in the middle of Russian nowhere, is truly where the fire can be stirred without being stilled ever again. Maybe I need to be trained here, in this wilderness, with no one to really care for me, with the Holy Spirit as my only teacher? Isn't it funny how you pay a certain amount of thousands of dollars to a Bible teacher to train you, while the Holy Spirit will do it for love only? I am just starting to realize how truly amazing that would be to be here, in the middle of nowhere, where it's just God and me, where this fire starts to really burn and consume me as I am. The school where I applied is located in a huge and beautiful city with many temptations as well as opportunities. I am not saying I am afraid to be tempted, but I know that there will be far too many things distracting me from the reason why I actually want to go to ministry school. I know that all these things - new people, sights, fun places to go to, parties, and stuff like that, are great and are actually gifts from God. But there is time you are to set apart for the LORD and there is time for all these things (and woe to me if the latter outweighs the former in my life!).
So here I am, extremely confused, seeking the Lord's counsel. I kind of suspect nobody will read such a long and boring post, but I needed to let that out. I will definitely keep talking to my Heavenly Daddy about that. At least now, if I do not end up getting a visa, I will know why. :) And you know what? It's not what my world revolves around. It's God. I have eyes for only Him.
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