Why you gotta be so mean?

I never thought bullying could occur in college. I remember dealing with that in seventh grade, one of the things most people can't avoid in their middle school years. But never in the world did I think I would ever have to face this thing in college. I thought it was something that only middle school kids love doing; like an eary-teen stage that everyone outgrows with time.
Boy, was I ever wrong.

I honestly have no idea what caused these two girls in my college to hate me. Well, I can guess. The one girl likes English and thought that knowing the word 'clouds' would automatically make her the best English speaker in this entire school. Not trying to be harsh here, but even many Americans' assumption that they are proficient in English has failed upon meeting me, and now we are talking about a Russian village girl. I never intended to show my English off, but that kind of just happened. The girl took immediate dislike of me. And the other one, well, is the typical 'I am so amazing' type. You know, the shortest skirt in the world, the highest heels imaginable, a ton of make up type. And she probably thinks I look ridiculous in my non-revealing clothing and simple make up. Whatever the reason, they've been unbearable.
These sickening laughs. Their loud voices. Their constant sickening swearing. Their habit of referring to me as 'it'. These constant 'Look at that' that have to be accompanied by the aforementioned sickening laughter. And so much more.

I hate to admit, I've hated that.
The thing is, it doesn't really insult me as a person. I mean, I know who I am in and to Jesus. I know that these ways of trying to belittle me do not say anything about who I am, but very well expose the ugliness of their own souls (which could go away in less than a minute!), but what has been hurt is my pride.
Which really needs to be humbled anyway.
I also hate to admit, I've done plenty of disgusting things in my mind, too. I've called them both plastic heartless dolls. While they might be acting like ones, it does not give me a right, as a person and a Christ follower, to lower myself to the level of name calling.
It just doesn't work that way.
I've struggled to pray for them. It just doesn't come naturally, but it's been such a great relief. I've not seen any results yet, but I know the Spirit is at work.

What I've been thinking about, though, is how greatly God actually wants to use this situation. These two girls, hardened as they are, need God a lot more than they can imagine. I doubt they have anyone else who can lift them up in prayer, and proclaim God's promises into their lives. While I can be very discouraged by how they act toward me, I can also serve them like Jesus serves me every day. They will probably never know, but God who searches my heart will. I am also somebody who needs a lot of edification. There's some major humbling I need to go through, but there is so much more than that. I've always been amazed at how Jesus, looking at a sinner, does not see the disgusting things the person has done. Instead, he sees a child of God that is precious to him. I am amazed at how Jesus sees a person apart from their sins. Yes, he never approves of anyone's sins, but neither does He condemn. And if the Holy Son of God does not condemn anybody, then who are we to do it? It humbles and encourages me to ponder that time when an adulteress was brought to him and he simply said, 'Let the one who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her'. I was the person deserving to be stoned to death for my transgressions, so how am I different from others? I can admit, I can somehow manage to look at somebody with compassion and not judge them for their sins, unless their sin is aimed directly at me or people I love. But this kind of 'love' is so fake. It completely contradicts the teachings of Jesus, who told us to love both the righteous and the unrighteous alike.   
But I say, love your enemies!^[s] Pray for those who persecute you! ⁴⁵ In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. ⁴⁶ If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. ⁴⁷ If you are kind only to your friends,^[t] how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. ⁴⁸ But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect. Matthew 5:44-48 (NLT)
This is simply not my job to judge anyone, my job is to love them. When I think about Jesus quietly enduring the beatings, the mocking, the spitting in His face, it humbles me to think that He was tempted to judge those who did that to him just as I am tempted. But instead, He chose to love them and pray for them, saying, 'They do not know what they are doing...'. Now how hard is it to endure being picked on by a bunch of college girls compared to what Jesus went through? Suddenly, it seems like nothing.

Suffering on Earth is temporary. It gives me great joy to think that God's power is made perfect in weakness, and He can use any situation to build me up and save His lost sheep. But the glory of forever being in blissful fellowship with your Maker in Heaven is eternal.

My Dear Father in Heaven, I pray that my heart would break for what breaks your heart. I pray that I would learn to see your Image in every person you create, no matter how they act. I was once there myself, but you brought me out into the light and set my feet on your Rock. I praise you for delivering me from the pit of sin. Help me to not want to come back to that life of sin by judging and condemning others! Help me to see these people through your eyes, help me to see them the way you see them - loved and precious. Help me to be the light and the salt by simply loving people, whoever they are.

Just a Quick Update

So, just in case anyone is wondering - I am delighted to tell you that the rumors are indeed true! I am going to Nicaragua on a mission trip this summer. I am going short-term (well, relatively short) first to see if I could commit to longer. I am also going with a group of 12 wonderful people who are such a blessing to my life. What we will mostly be doing is working for the 24/7 intercession/worship movement to spread and burn in the country and just loving on people, spreading the Gospel of Jesus Christ (to Whom be all the glory) to those who need Him the most.
And yes, I definitely am THAT crazy.

Of course, none of it is completely certain yet. We never know what is ACTUALLY going to happen. There are often so many unexpected twists and turns and since we have no idea what the actual Big Picture is all about, all we can really do is pray, be still, and know He is God. I am not obsessing over it, and I know that whatever the outcome may be, my job is not to fret but glorify Him. I have no clue what the future holds, but I am very blessed to be assured WHO holds the future.

With all this in mind, I would really appreciate some prayers. Please pray for that:

1. That I would actually be still and know He is God. That I would just live in the present moment and do all I can to be grateful to Him for what I have NOW. That I would not worry too much about what is going to or not going to take place in the future and just enjoy my life here and now, squeezing as much as I can out of every opportunity.
2. That I would manage to raise more money for the trip. I do have a sufficient amount for all my traveling (including the visa or the permit to say, my plane tickets, and stuff like that), and to cover living expenses for several months as well as help the ministry somewhat, but... well, there is such thing as emergencies and simply that 'there is never too much money'. I have a part time job at the moment (well, I guess you can't call that exactly a job, but still) and am applying for a grant for former exchange students soon so these are probably some good opportunities. Please pray I stay faithful to the Lord with my money by gving and tithing and that I just commit everything I have to him.
3. This is probably the most important point. Please pray that no matter what holds the future and no matter how many more opportunities come along, I seek the Lord's face above all else. Please pray that whether I am in the middle of the driest season of my faith or gleaming with excitement and enthusiam I continue to seek God. That I remember He is always there and remains who He is no matter where in life I am. That I would just delight in His promises and long to hear His voice over the voice of my own desires.
I think this list could go on and on, but you get the point. Please pray. It is very needed at this point!!!

I hope everyone is fine.

So I'll shout out your name, from the rooftops I'll proclaim...

(Hey! I have a question - who is it from Germany who reads my blog? Not that I have anything against that, not really, I'm rather privileged, it's just that the link is only known by a VERY limited number of people from the US and it's kind of unlikely you just accidently came across me somewhere on the web. :) Once again, no worries, I'm just really curious who that might be and if we actually know each other)

Anyway... today, as I was trying to clean a huge mess of my old school notebooks and binders, I came across a journal I used to keep way back. Well, I suppose you can't call that a journal... It's more like a notebook with like 5 entires that were made far in between each other, but that's not the point. I usually don't like dwelling on the past by reading stuff like that, but this time something caught my attention, and for a good reason.
Those were the very first things about God I ever wrote. I was raised very agnostic (or probably God-hating if you will) but I always wondered if there was something more than the life we see - school, then college, then work, your own family, then at some point, death. I wondered if there was anything more than meets the eye. I couldn't understand why all the worry, if we would end up buried in the end.. Okay, that is probably going into too much detail, but you get the point. I was... wondering.
At some point, I stopped doubting there was something Greater than I am. I remember having dreams of God at night but it was difficult to believe in a loving God... because at some point, I stopped believing in love.
I remember how some guy preached the Gospel to me when I was about 8 or 9. It would be fun to find out who it was, because it was most likely somebody from the church I now attend. I remember reading the sinner's prayer for the first time, without much understanding, just clinging to the simple words that God loves me. This phrase, especially mixed with that stranger's words that God was my Father, were nothing short of astounding to my love-starved child soul.
I remember taking the New Testament home, the little blue book that my church is piled with. I remember trying to read it and giving up on 'that stuff' because words made no sense to me, until I was born again.  My mom threw the book away holding it at arm's length a few years ago (you get the picture of how love-starved she is. But I am happy to report, things are shifting!!).
From that point on, however, somewhere deep inside I knew there was God. I had no idea who He is and all the more how to even approach Him, but I knew He was there. At times I would hear something like whispers in the quiet, saying 'I love you! I love you!' but you have no idea how easily I shrugged them off, thinking I was crazy (years after that, when I was already a Christ follower, I got the confirmation that I indeed am crazy, but that's okay I guess :) ). More importantly, I knew there WAS God.
Even when I shouted in one of my fits of rage that he hated me.
Even when I thought about, or attempted, suicide or when I was self harming.
Even when I was hating and cursing people left and right, and got the same in return. I knew there was God.
The reason why I am even typing all this is that so often, I completely forget how hard I struggled. How long it took me to actually resond to my Savior's voice that was dripping with love. When I slowly started to respond, it felt like something inside me was melting. Such a... weird feeling. Like there was a huge pile of frozen wax on the inside of me that was starting to melt after being exposed to the ultimate source of light and warmth - Jesus and His ever-loving heart.
Of course I had (and still do) my weaker moments, even after I accepted Jesus as my Savior. But he has set me free from so much. It's true that he who has been forgiven much, loves much.
The words in that old journal of mine that really caught my attention were 'I don't even feel like a human being. I feel like a huge bleeding mess on the inside. I am compelled to live a life of duplicity - I appear normal on the outside, but on the inside there is just nothing but brokenness. Everything is broken. I can't control myself. I scream and scream things I don't believe, things I don't want to believe... will there ever be any way out of this?'
There was.
(This is what it's like to be demon-possessed, just in case you ever wondered.)
I remember how precious every thought about God once became to me, I remember how I prayed for hours on end every night, as quiet as I could, because my mom thought it was nonsense. I remember skipping geometry (and a couple other classes too, I admit) in order to go to church and just be in His presence, crying tears of sudden and unknown happiness and then letting him dry those tears with gladness unspoken.

I am sure God wanted me to see this for a reason. It is so easy to get caught up in the moment and just go on because you 'have to'. Our prayers become mechanical so often. It's so good to just go back to the past sometimes and remember that very first, purest love. We as Christians often pray for the 'revival' to come, but too often we fail to realize that it doesn't take a crusade to start one. It starts with you. When your soul, your heart, your mind and your strength are REVIVED to love the Lord your God!

These are two songs that mean the world to me (the first one even gave the name to my blog). These describe and express what God has done and is still doing in my life so well. I can never be not in tears while listening to them. It's such a joy to just worship my Maker with all I've got, holding nothing back!

And actually, I didn't mean for this to turn into a whole testimony... ha ha. I just wanted to say how much I long to return to that first love. :)
You can't even imagine how much of a JOY that is to shout out Jesus' name, completely blasted by the Holy Spirit, instead of shouting how much he 'hates' me!!!

[warning] Long and boring post

So as this year goes on, I continue to think and think about where I should go next. Even though I am a relatively quiet and calm person (unless you know me really well, this is where things get interesting), I have always been a little crazy when it comes to things such as your calling, or your way, or where God wants you to go. A couple weeks ago I found out I had been accepted into a ministry school in the United States, which I've been dreaming about for years, and right now I am in the midst of craziness that assists the visa preparing process. But as the initial excitement level slowly begins to drop and the general mundanness of all this starts to fill my mind, I feel like I am coming back to the questions that's been on my heart and on my lips for as long as I can remember - Why? Why this particular school, at this particular time? And more importantly - is this truly where the Lord wants me to go?
In my walk with Jesus I learned that God often has a loving reason to say no to some of our requests. Whether He gives us unthinkably more than all we ask or imagine or if He gives us so much less than what we want, it's important to remember that whatever comes from His hand is already a blessing. I've learned that often, God needs to close all ministry or education opportunities right in front of our faces so that we can finally actually turn to Him and stop striving, forgetting the fact that He IS pleased with us and we don't need to earn his love or his approval. Remember the story about Mary and Martha? It always fascinates me how even though Martha went out of her way to please the Lord, He still said that is was Mary who chose the better thing to do. I think it's so beautiful that it wasn't about Jesus liking Mary better, it was about how heartbroken he was about being robbed of Martha's presence. What he really craves is intimacy, not your service. If your service is an expression of genuine love, it's beautiful, but nothing but your voluntary affection and fellowship will ever be more important to him. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that very often, this is what God does, but sometimes, he chooses to open so many doors to us instead of locking them, so that we could choose what truly is the better portion. Because truly, we are often faced with so many choices and we are actually what we choose, and if we choose God, this is how we show that we truly are His.
Long before today I was already shown that I am called to a life of intercession and fasting. My deepest heart's desire is to live the radical sermon on the mounth lifestyle at all times, even in my weakness, to dig as deep into God's Word as I can, and just live a very radical life for Jesus, letting the fire of His love consume everything about me, every aspect of my life. I believe in living for eternity, I believe in the burning passion for God's heart and I believe that we are the generation that will be more consumed by his love than any one ever, ever, ever before in human history. I want to live my life through the lens of the First Commandment to the highest degree possible. I refuse to be half-hearted about God and my relationship with him. I love that verse in the Song of Solomon that says that love is as demanding as the grave. Likewise, if you truly do love God, you start looking for the bridges to burn, for things that keep you away from him, you abandon everything that hinders love, 'take up your cross and deny yourself'. Relatively recently, I started asking him what in my love keeps me away from him and gradually started getting rid of those things. God has shown me that many times, while in prayer or in the Word, I can be very half-hearted and let my mind wander somewhere else, instead of loving him with all I've got in the moment and letting him love me. At the same time I can be very whole-hearted and focused during a facebook chat (not trying to say I don't like chatting with my friends). Anyway. I know for sure that this is truly the point where I need to be trained as an intercessor/minister. And I thought that the school I am (so far) going to is the perfect setting for that. But lately I've been thinking, that maybe, just maybe, here, in the middle of Russian nowhere, is truly where the fire can be stirred without being stilled ever again. Maybe I need to be trained here, in this wilderness, with no one to really care for me, with the Holy Spirit as my only teacher? Isn't it funny how you pay a certain amount of thousands of dollars to a Bible teacher to train you, while the Holy Spirit will do it for love only? I am just starting to realize how truly amazing that would be to be here, in the middle of nowhere, where it's just God and me, where this fire starts to really burn and consume me as I am. The school where I applied is located in a huge and beautiful city with many temptations as well as opportunities. I am not saying I am afraid to be tempted, but I know that there will be far too many things distracting me from the reason why I actually want to go to ministry school. I know that all these things - new people, sights, fun places to go to, parties, and stuff like that, are great and are actually gifts from God. But there is time you are to set apart for the LORD and there is time for all these things (and woe to me if the latter outweighs the former in my life!).
So here I am, extremely confused, seeking the Lord's counsel. I kind of suspect nobody will read such a long and boring post, but I needed to let that out. I will definitely keep talking to my Heavenly Daddy about that. At least now, if I do not end up getting a visa, I will know why. :) And you know what? It's not what my world revolves around. It's God. I have eyes for only Him.